Christmas in 3 days.

Well, he made it through our anniversary.

Today we went to office of apt. complex we live in to "re-certify" our employment status. This office is about 50 steps from our front door. I use a walker so it's hard for me. Especially with workers blocking the sidewalks with power cords and bins of tools in the way.

At least I can get out my front door now. The major reconstruction of the road had been completed. Now when it snows, the plows aren't allowed to get too close to the new asphalt curbing. Of course that means snow piles up so I can't get to the car. Shoveling is not an activity that my husband can do anymore. He has no strength. He can't even walk in the grocery store. Bringing groceries in the house is a trial to say the least.

He can't eat, I cook, he takes maybe a couple of bites and then throws the food out. I have tried to make things easier. He doesn't want soup (I'm not sick, HUH). He won't try milk shakes or smoothies. Ensure is disgusting and anything I suggest or the doctor for that matter, is politely nodded to and completely forgotten.

All he does is drink his 10 beers a night and literally staggers to bed. He's taken to using my walker as he, of course, can't walk with all that alcohol. He won't quit. "It's keeping me alive", he says. I don't totally agree, but I can't say anything. He jumps down my throat. I'm the bad guy here.

I leave only a piece or two of toilet paper on the roll. I use all the paper towels without getting new ones out. It's my fault that he has to do laundry.

I'm so depressed that I can't stand it anymore. Hell, he might live to outlive me. I know it's a sin, but sometimes I wonder. No I'm not suicidal. I just need to talk to someone or write down my thoughts.

He fell the other night and according to him it was my fault. I was no where near him but it was my fault. I've had a bruise on my leg from the last time he fell. I couldn't lift him up and he kept falling. He crawled to the toilet so he could get up. I'm sure I don't know how he's going on.

All I'm doing is waiting for this to end.

I don't want any of my children here. I don't want the friends (yeah, they stopped coming around long ago). If they can't pick up the phone and call, don't bother when it's all overwith.