Exploding tempers

Today's news. They are putting a PICC line into my husband so that he won't have to be stuck everyday with a needle. Only this is a little different. When he was in hospital, he had a direct line in his vein so they could do the infusion. No sticking him every 6 hours. Well, now, this new thing is going to go into his vein and travel up into the vein to the site of the infection (that's how the doctor explained it to Bill). I wasn't there cause as I said before I do errands when he's getting the infusion. He will be having the infusion every 6 hours again, but in the home. No need to go to the hospital every day. Who will have to do this? Me of course. The social worker explained to Bill that someone would come to the house (a visiting nurse) on Friday to teach us what needed to be done. He was excited about not having to go to the hospital every day. Me too; except with a grain of salt.

We get home and he's explaining how this is going to work. Wait, he's yelling because I got 80% hamburger instead of 85%. I'm making him something to eat and must concentrate on him talking, making his dinner and trying not to show him how much pain I was in from having to walk in the grocery store. There were no ride-on carts available. You know what a big grocery store is like. The milk is in the farthest corner of the store, the bakery (individual bulky rolls) in the bakery near the entrance. Hamburg in the meat cases in the back of the store; frozen juice concentrate (use that because jugs are heavy) in the middle of the frozen food aisle. Well, anyway, I'm multi-tasking. made his burger gave it to  him so he could eat while I finished cooking mine and putting the mayo and pickles away. I go to sit & eat my burger and the phone rings. Don't you just hate when that happens.

Bill-o is eating, I haven't started to eat. The social worker is on the phone. She's explaining to me how the nurse won't be able to make it to the house until Monday (which is a holiday). She can't come tomorrow there are other commitments. Yea, I know what they are. Furlough days for state workers because of budget shortfalls. If it were an emergency we'd have to go to the hospital. I'm asking the questions I should from the social worker and the shit hits the fan. Bill is raving because of my side of the conversation. He stomps into the kitchen and slams his plate with the uneaten burger patty onto the counter and goes back to his chair. He's only taken one bite off the burger. He's raving about this conversation and I'm trying to explain what the social worker was saying. His philosophy is that if they tell him something it should be done that way. No leeway for other people's schedules. His way or no way. He's ranting and I'm trying to explain and eat my hamburger; it's cold by now. The arguing has upset my stomach but I hate to waste food we can't afford to throw it away. I tell him if they put PICC in tomorrow at 9:00 AM. he then could go up and get the infusion done and we could go home and not have to go out again. But we'll have to do the hospital thing until the nurse can teach us how to do it ourselves and, oh yea, bring the machine that has to be used.

Of course he's bitching and moaning. Why do I have to listen to this. He's asking questions, I'm trying to eat. It's too much for me. I snap and tell him to stop bitching. The world just doesn't revolve around him. Well, that was smart. He's alway had a bad temper and it's been short. I don't fear that he will be violent toward me but his words are hurtful. I'm only the messanger, but you know what they say, don't kill the messanger. It's abusive, I know it, he knows it. I've given him passes and explained away his rantings. But, it's taking a toll on me.

He's speaking (yelling) and my ears are buzzing. I feel my BP climbing. I'm stressing so I keep my mouth shut for the next little bit and try to close my ears to him.

The food didn't go down too well. It's a lump in my stomach. I'm extremely tired. The construction workers around the complex woke us up at 8:30. They were leveling our back stoop and preparing the area around our door there for the new siding being put on. So they were hammering and using a machinery, generally making lots of noise. Almost as much noise as was inside.

He calms down a bit and is now watching tv. Every once in awhile he says something. I'm trying to read, or look at the computer. I'm not a machine that can have thing thrown at it and be conversant with all the information coming at me. He's yelling again because I didn't hear him the first time. He doesn't repeat himself, says never mind in that tone that tells you he's angry again.

His voice isn't loud, he's got cancer in his larynx. His voice is almost gravely and just above a whisper. But he expects me to have perfect pitch and be able to hear him. He's facing away from me. My computer and desk are behind his chair. The tv is on, the construction noise is loud and I'm supposed to hear what he is saying. Shit I'm superwoman.

I've had enough. I'm going to take a nap. I leave and have peace in the bedroom. Except for the construction noise. I'm trying to fall asleep. Yes, blissfully quiet right then. The workers have moved away. Yes, peace. Oh wait, burning in my stomach, acid reflux is not my friend. I'm coughing from this. Did I mention my walk thru the grocery store?? My hip and leg are hurting. I try to get out of bed and I cramp up. Damn, damn and double damn. Lay back down, start drifting off again. Acid reflux again. Come on, God why? WHY?

STRESS!!!

I must have fallen into a fitful sleep because Bill was now telling me it was almost 7PM. Wow, almost 3 hours of peace? Not hardly.

I get  up and resume my internet perusals. Talk calmly with Bill and then over something, I don't know what, he starts yelling again. I feel my BP rising again; dizziness again too. Well isn't this special. I'm having a heart attack. No it's just STRESS.

Bill's looking kind of scared. He's ready for 911. I tell him I'm okay.  He's sitting and sort of relaxing again. Then he says. "You know, I'm being a total ass today (REALLY?). But, I don't think of you as getting older. I know you are, but your still young to me. " 

How can he say something like that and be such an absolute mean son of a so and so.

That's how my day went. Oh, yea. We argued again. He's telling me that I snap at everything he says. GEEZ. I probably am but he says the stupidest things.

I was looking at a website regarding free eye glasses. He said if I wasn't on the computer everyday or if I didn't read I wouldn't need new eyeglasses. I've had these glasses for over 2 years, I told him. I know that, he says, I had to pay for them. (Crux of the matter, I wasn't working so he had to pay for them.) How about all the years I had to pay for all our medical insurances and the money I spent on his dentures, and the stuff I had to pay for him because he wasn't working. I didn't say this to him. All I said was that I thought we were a family. What's your is mine and what's mine is yours? Who's counting the money. I tried to explain that people's eyes change. I've had my glasses since 2003, he says. And I counter with you probably need new glasses too. Well, he's gone off again and this time I didn't hold back. I told him he was a selfish bastard and that I was tired of him telling me that I was being a bitch if I needed stuff. Hell I haven't bought a piece of clothing for myself in over 3 years.

I got retroactive money from SSA for disability and he promptly went out an bought a big screen tv. Whose money was that? Of course, we both watch the tv and it is nice. I don't begrudge him the tv. The money was ours. 

I didn't talk to him for the next 2 hours and he went to bed. Whoops, I need some medicine. I brought him the meds. He gets up again. He can't sleep. I give him half a sleeping pill. He's off to bed and now it's 2am and I have to go to bed so I can start all over again at 7am.

Wish me luck.

Day 10

Day 10 for IV infusion. Crabby hubby drove himself today. Reason? Guilt. I'm having bad muscle spasms because of all the driving I've been doing. Really bad muscle cramps in my back, hip and right leg. While he's doing his thing in the hospital, I have to do errands. I have 45 minutes to do it. If I'm late he gets mad. Says I know what time I have to pick him up. Why wasn't I there. He doesn't want to do anything but sit in the house and watch tv. He watches the same things over and over. But anyway, I guess he doesn't trust me enough to go to the store and then come home again. What's he afraid of? Me driving away? HUH!!!

Yesterday was horrorific. He bitched because I got the wrong type of chocolate chip cookie. Okay, so I didn't read the damn label. I just saw 2 cookies that were softer than the one giant cookie. Soft is good for his throat right? What I didn't realize was there was creme between the two cookies.  Before he even opened it, he tossed it at me and said "Here, you eat this shit." Well, I finally read the label and saw the creme. I stomped into the kitchen, seperated the cookies, and scraped off the creme,  I then put them on a piece of paper towel and put them on the table by his side. "Here's your cookie for Ch---'s sake."

I then stomped (yeah like I can stomp with a limp) into my bedroom and semi-slammed the door. Where I proceeded to cry my heart out. I cry easily but after all the shit I've been thru I couldn't take it. I seriously contemplated taking the pills in the new bottle of sleeping meds the doc gave me. I'm not crazy. Just depressed. I didn't of course. But, I will tell the doc about it when I see him next week. Anyway, nothing I do is good enough.

After awhile, I turned on the tv and watched it for about 3 hours. He came to the door, asked if I wanted coffee. I told him to make it. The look on his face was priceless. He was stunned. I was still pissed. Well, wonder of wonders he did make the coffee. he even brought me a cup all fixed like I drink it.

Later, much later, he apologized. He said he didn't want to make me cry. (Right) He hasn't apologized in a long time, so I accepted his apology. I'm still upset, or I wouldn't be writing this. But I guess I'll never forget his tantrum. Well, time for bed.

Cancer isn't going to kill him, yet!!

Bill has been to the doctor's 3 time since Jan. 27th. Then on Jan 12th and then again last Tuesday. He had been getting weaker and weaker. After Jan 27th, he only went out a couple of time, as I posted earlier, he "cleaned" off the car and then said he was done. He only got up to go the the bathroom, fish around for something to eat, and to bed. All the rest of the time he spent in his chair.

I'd been noticing this "bump" on the left side of his face. Well, finally at the 27th dr's appointment, he mentioned he felt the swelling in his cheek and that his jaw was numb. The doctor asked how long it had been feeling like that. My wonderful husband said about 2 months. "Oh yeah, I sometimes have this really funny taste in my mouth", he says. I'm thinking great, what now. How can someone, who knows he's ill, not mention this to his doctor. The same doctor who has been bending over backward to get my husband help.

Well, you've never seen a doctor go into superspeed if you haven't seen Dr. Harmon move. He looked into my husband's mouth, even though Bill couldn't open very wide, the next thing I knew we were at the hospital for a CT scan. Good old Bill has an abcess in the back of his mouth on his jawbone. The result of the bone scan, a deep bone infection. An abcess that is about to rupture. An abcess that if broken would kill him because it is poisoning him. Doctor wanted to put him in the hospital that night, we had gone home by then. Bill said no tomorrow I'll go in. Wonder of wonder, he did get admitted. They started an antibiotic infusion immediately. Every 6 hours they were pumping this stuff into his veins. He had a roommate. By the way, when I went to kiss him goodnite, his breath was so BAD (the first I noticed it), it smelled like when my sister had her abcess. I asked him about it and he said, "that's why I haven't been kissing you goodnite. My bad breath." I knew then that this had been going on for like six months. The same amount of time that he's been saying he can't eat cause he couldn't open his mouth.

I knew how bad abcess were. My sister had one on an impacted tooth. The abcess broke and she had to have her stomach pumped out. She was in the hospital for 2 days.

In the mean time, all the while I'm asking myself why he hasn't been telling me that he had this bad taste in his mouth, and why he didn't mention the swelling either. Of course, when I mentioned it, it was all in my head. Now we were waiting for them to transfer him to Boston so they can treat the cancer. He needed to be in hospital so they could treat it as an expedited case. And so that he could get to Boston in an ambulance.

Well they didn't have a bed yet so he'd have to stay in the hospital overnite again. "NO!" was the answer from the "Big man". I want to go home. Well, it's hard. very hard. Did I mention I'm on medicine for high blood pressure. Not 1 med but 2 plus asprin therapy and cholesterol meds, plus pain meds for spondolosis? He was taking only Naproxen and BP med and salt tablets.

Well he signed out. The doctor signed him for outpatient IV drips once a day (a very powerful med). And he's taking 2 different antibiotics (total of 1200 millograms a day). The doctor wan't happy, me either, but at least he is taking the meds and he's going for the IV infusion.

He only want to hear what he wants to hear and nothing else. Last night he told me that it doesn't hurt when he lays on his left side anymore. (DUH!! You never told me it was hurting.!!!!!!!)

What can you do with such a bullheaded person? Love him I guess.

Doctor thinks this bone infection is from the ankolosing spondolosis they have diagnosed him with too. Bone spurs will grow on bones and then can get infected, etc. etc. If you don't treat, infections can occur. WONDERFUL!!

Oh well, if we get to Boston, he'll have to stay in the hospital. It's over 300 miles from home.

Laughing and crying

I'm a follower on Facebook. I have a few friends there and a few family members. I don't write too much information but I do like to see what's going on.

Today I was watching a video from the site (linked from UTube) and it was making me laugh.

My husband yelled at me. He doesn't want to hear me laughing. I'm living in hell.

I'm crying right now because of his harsh words. I know he isn't feeling well. He hasn't been out of the house in over a week. He's very weak.

He told me "don't worry, it won't be long before I'm not here." WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I try to never swear, but I am pissed. I can't write anymore right now. Good night.

I don't know if I can go on.

I'm so tired right now. Crying is a constant thing I do. I know I am despressed. My doctor knows I'm depressed.

We've had snow here since last Thursday afternoon. All told, 18 inches or so. I guess it's not too bad considering. We went out to the store early Thursday so we could get home before the storm. It started snowing whilie we were in the crazy grocery store. Everyone was out. Everyone trying to do as we were doing.

Bill is getting weaker by the day. After grocery shopping, he couldn't even lift the groceries into the van. I unloaded the cart. He drove (I'm seriously thinking he should not drive). At home, he couldn't even help carry the groceries into the house. Me and my gimpy leg lifted all 6 bags (recycleable ones). One or two at a time, I brought them to the door stoop. Closed up the van and then took the bags into the house. Up the 7 stairs we have and then into the kitchen to put the stuff away. Bill sat in his chair. He was "all done in".

Friday the storm is not really peaked yet. He decided to go out to clear off some of the snow from the van. Right, he got into the van, started it up, took out the snow brush and tried to swipe at the snow. He used the windshield wipers to get the snow off and promptly broke one. Such a wonderful idea to use the wipers. He came back into the house and couldn't move for hours. I tried to fix him something to eat. He ate a cookie. No SHIT. A cookie!!!! (and only half of that.)

Yesterday, during the storms's height, I went out and started cleaning off the car. My neighbor's son and grandson came out and took over the duties for me. It was really wonderful of them to do that. This morning I looked out and they had shoveled a path to the van and were cleaning it off so that when the plow came in I could move the van. In actuallity, the neighbor moved the van for me. He didn't want to take the chance that I'd fall. Neither did I. I profusely thanked them for all the help they gave me and Bill.

Tonite, Bill fell in the bathroom. He lost his balance. Even though he only weighs 113 lbs, I couldn't lift him. His legs wouldn't hold him up. After about 20 minutes we did maneuver him to the toilet. He's been using my walker at night. But I can't get it in his head that he needs to walk it all the way to his chair. He is bound and determined that he is going to turn it around and back the damn thing into place. It's hard as the walker has wheels on the front. And then he fell again, Between the tv and the storage chest (like a hope chest) that the lamp is on. The tv moved. He was stuck between the two items. He had to "crawl" out like a crab only going forward. It took almost 15 minutes to get him sitting in his chair. A distance of about 3 feet from where he fell.

His doctor sent a card saying he wanted to see him. I'll call for an appointment tomorrow. I can never say anything because Bill will bring the wrath of God on my head.

I'm tired and sore from trying to lift him off the floor. I'll probably take some medication before going to bed. Bill finally went to bed. Now it's my turn.

Happy New Year!

It's here. 2010. Didn't even mark it. Husband is watching his usual show. Sports on ESPN. Whatever. Took a second out when I mentioned it but didn't really say anything.

He's still here. Thank God. Says he's not in pain. I know he's hungry but he can't get much down. He tries. He has a couple of pieces of some kind of salad we bought today. He put it together at the salad bar of the grocery store. We had to go out to get somethings into the house because of the coming snow storm. Not much, as we don't know how long it's going to snow.

I will make a beef stew for tomorrow. He like dumplings so maybe he'll be able to get at least half of one down. I've tried to be creative while cooking. We went out and he had a hot roast beef sandwich. I told him I could have made it for cheaper and he agreed but hasn't tried it again.

I'm so tried of trying to find things he'll eat. I just try. Don't want to waste money or food but I have to try. 

Goodnite for now. Happy New Year.

New Years, 2010. Coming soon.

Well, it's almost 2AM here in Augusta. Hubby just went to bed. He took a 3rd pain pill just awhile ago. He doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't do much. Yesterday it almost killed him to go and do laundry. Today, we went to the store. He needed to get some beer. "We" have to stock up, it's on sale. It's his nourishment these days. But I digress. He asked me to drive. The only other time I drove him around is when he couldn't see before cataract surgery. Then he couldn't drive cause they would have taken his license. Now you could knock him over with the stiff wind that was blowing today.

He's down to 113 lbs. and there is nothing I can do. I made a meatloaf today. Thought he might at least try some. He didn't even touch it. Said don't bother. Great, I wasted meat and eggs so that I could eat meatloaf for a week. Oh yea, the ham is still in the fridge from Christmas day. I want to clean out the fridge, but I can't take the rubbish out and he sure as hell can't. I guess I could call and see if my grandson could come over and help me.

My grandson came over today just to bring the "groceries" in the house today. That's what my husband calls groceries, his beer. I don't drink the stuff.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. They are replacing windows on our building this week and I'm sure they will be here at 7:30 AM.