Happy New Year!

It's here. 2010. Didn't even mark it. Husband is watching his usual show. Sports on ESPN. Whatever. Took a second out when I mentioned it but didn't really say anything.

He's still here. Thank God. Says he's not in pain. I know he's hungry but he can't get much down. He tries. He has a couple of pieces of some kind of salad we bought today. He put it together at the salad bar of the grocery store. We had to go out to get somethings into the house because of the coming snow storm. Not much, as we don't know how long it's going to snow.

I will make a beef stew for tomorrow. He like dumplings so maybe he'll be able to get at least half of one down. I've tried to be creative while cooking. We went out and he had a hot roast beef sandwich. I told him I could have made it for cheaper and he agreed but hasn't tried it again.

I'm so tried of trying to find things he'll eat. I just try. Don't want to waste money or food but I have to try. 

Goodnite for now. Happy New Year.

New Years, 2010. Coming soon.

Well, it's almost 2AM here in Augusta. Hubby just went to bed. He took a 3rd pain pill just awhile ago. He doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't do much. Yesterday it almost killed him to go and do laundry. Today, we went to the store. He needed to get some beer. "We" have to stock up, it's on sale. It's his nourishment these days. But I digress. He asked me to drive. The only other time I drove him around is when he couldn't see before cataract surgery. Then he couldn't drive cause they would have taken his license. Now you could knock him over with the stiff wind that was blowing today.

He's down to 113 lbs. and there is nothing I can do. I made a meatloaf today. Thought he might at least try some. He didn't even touch it. Said don't bother. Great, I wasted meat and eggs so that I could eat meatloaf for a week. Oh yea, the ham is still in the fridge from Christmas day. I want to clean out the fridge, but I can't take the rubbish out and he sure as hell can't. I guess I could call and see if my grandson could come over and help me.

My grandson came over today just to bring the "groceries" in the house today. That's what my husband calls groceries, his beer. I don't drink the stuff.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. They are replacing windows on our building this week and I'm sure they will be here at 7:30 AM.

Christmas in 3 days.

Well, he made it through our anniversary.

Today we went to office of apt. complex we live in to "re-certify" our employment status. This office is about 50 steps from our front door. I use a walker so it's hard for me. Especially with workers blocking the sidewalks with power cords and bins of tools in the way.

At least I can get out my front door now. The major reconstruction of the road had been completed. Now when it snows, the plows aren't allowed to get too close to the new asphalt curbing. Of course that means snow piles up so I can't get to the car. Shoveling is not an activity that my husband can do anymore. He has no strength. He can't even walk in the grocery store. Bringing groceries in the house is a trial to say the least.

He can't eat, I cook, he takes maybe a couple of bites and then throws the food out. I have tried to make things easier. He doesn't want soup (I'm not sick, HUH). He won't try milk shakes or smoothies. Ensure is disgusting and anything I suggest or the doctor for that matter, is politely nodded to and completely forgotten.

All he does is drink his 10 beers a night and literally staggers to bed. He's taken to using my walker as he, of course, can't walk with all that alcohol. He won't quit. "It's keeping me alive", he says. I don't totally agree, but I can't say anything. He jumps down my throat. I'm the bad guy here.

I leave only a piece or two of toilet paper on the roll. I use all the paper towels without getting new ones out. It's my fault that he has to do laundry.

I'm so depressed that I can't stand it anymore. Hell, he might live to outlive me. I know it's a sin, but sometimes I wonder. No I'm not suicidal. I just need to talk to someone or write down my thoughts.

He fell the other night and according to him it was my fault. I was no where near him but it was my fault. I've had a bruise on my leg from the last time he fell. I couldn't lift him up and he kept falling. He crawled to the toilet so he could get up. I'm sure I don't know how he's going on.

All I'm doing is waiting for this to end.

I don't want any of my children here. I don't want the friends (yeah, they stopped coming around long ago). If they can't pick up the phone and call, don't bother when it's all overwith.

Will he make it to Dec. 3 our anniversary?

I haven't posted since August and frankly, I didn't think I would.

December 1 has come and gone. Bill's still here, but he's down to 113 lbs. Can't eat anything, he can't open his mouth to put food in. He is weak, has no stamina. Have gone back to the doctors but he can't lie on his back so we don't know if he will be able to do a PET scan again. Saw another ENT on Monday. It was an adventure in driving. We haven't been out at night in so long and we had to drive 35 miles to see the doctor. I'm not doing so well either, but why complain. I just have to write something because if I don't "talk" to something or someone I'll go nuts. Hell, I think I already am. I've called all kinds of people to see if they can advise me about his "eating" but if he won't do what they say where else can I turn. No one knows. I try to talk to our son but he's got his own problems and is looking for a job in state where there aren't any. He's a good son. Tells us to call if we need anything but I can't do that.

I made a comment about him not seeing Dec 3 which is our 44th anniversary and all he could think about was the 3rd day of the month was when our Social Security Checks come in. HOW'S THAT FOR LOVE??? I guess loving him for 44 years has not been good. I'm going now cause the clicking of the keys is driving him crazy. Oh yeah, he want me to write his obit. Great. What I did for my love, wrote his obit. Too sad.