I don't know if I can go on.

I'm so tired right now. Crying is a constant thing I do. I know I am despressed. My doctor knows I'm depressed.

We've had snow here since last Thursday afternoon. All told, 18 inches or so. I guess it's not too bad considering. We went out to the store early Thursday so we could get home before the storm. It started snowing whilie we were in the crazy grocery store. Everyone was out. Everyone trying to do as we were doing.

Bill is getting weaker by the day. After grocery shopping, he couldn't even lift the groceries into the van. I unloaded the cart. He drove (I'm seriously thinking he should not drive). At home, he couldn't even help carry the groceries into the house. Me and my gimpy leg lifted all 6 bags (recycleable ones). One or two at a time, I brought them to the door stoop. Closed up the van and then took the bags into the house. Up the 7 stairs we have and then into the kitchen to put the stuff away. Bill sat in his chair. He was "all done in".

Friday the storm is not really peaked yet. He decided to go out to clear off some of the snow from the van. Right, he got into the van, started it up, took out the snow brush and tried to swipe at the snow. He used the windshield wipers to get the snow off and promptly broke one. Such a wonderful idea to use the wipers. He came back into the house and couldn't move for hours. I tried to fix him something to eat. He ate a cookie. No SHIT. A cookie!!!! (and only half of that.)

Yesterday, during the storms's height, I went out and started cleaning off the car. My neighbor's son and grandson came out and took over the duties for me. It was really wonderful of them to do that. This morning I looked out and they had shoveled a path to the van and were cleaning it off so that when the plow came in I could move the van. In actuallity, the neighbor moved the van for me. He didn't want to take the chance that I'd fall. Neither did I. I profusely thanked them for all the help they gave me and Bill.

Tonite, Bill fell in the bathroom. He lost his balance. Even though he only weighs 113 lbs, I couldn't lift him. His legs wouldn't hold him up. After about 20 minutes we did maneuver him to the toilet. He's been using my walker at night. But I can't get it in his head that he needs to walk it all the way to his chair. He is bound and determined that he is going to turn it around and back the damn thing into place. It's hard as the walker has wheels on the front. And then he fell again, Between the tv and the storage chest (like a hope chest) that the lamp is on. The tv moved. He was stuck between the two items. He had to "crawl" out like a crab only going forward. It took almost 15 minutes to get him sitting in his chair. A distance of about 3 feet from where he fell.

His doctor sent a card saying he wanted to see him. I'll call for an appointment tomorrow. I can never say anything because Bill will bring the wrath of God on my head.

I'm tired and sore from trying to lift him off the floor. I'll probably take some medication before going to bed. Bill finally went to bed. Now it's my turn.

Happy New Year!

It's here. 2010. Didn't even mark it. Husband is watching his usual show. Sports on ESPN. Whatever. Took a second out when I mentioned it but didn't really say anything.

He's still here. Thank God. Says he's not in pain. I know he's hungry but he can't get much down. He tries. He has a couple of pieces of some kind of salad we bought today. He put it together at the salad bar of the grocery store. We had to go out to get somethings into the house because of the coming snow storm. Not much, as we don't know how long it's going to snow.

I will make a beef stew for tomorrow. He like dumplings so maybe he'll be able to get at least half of one down. I've tried to be creative while cooking. We went out and he had a hot roast beef sandwich. I told him I could have made it for cheaper and he agreed but hasn't tried it again.

I'm so tried of trying to find things he'll eat. I just try. Don't want to waste money or food but I have to try. 

Goodnite for now. Happy New Year.

New Years, 2010. Coming soon.

Well, it's almost 2AM here in Augusta. Hubby just went to bed. He took a 3rd pain pill just awhile ago. He doesn't talk to me about it. He doesn't do much. Yesterday it almost killed him to go and do laundry. Today, we went to the store. He needed to get some beer. "We" have to stock up, it's on sale. It's his nourishment these days. But I digress. He asked me to drive. The only other time I drove him around is when he couldn't see before cataract surgery. Then he couldn't drive cause they would have taken his license. Now you could knock him over with the stiff wind that was blowing today.

He's down to 113 lbs. and there is nothing I can do. I made a meatloaf today. Thought he might at least try some. He didn't even touch it. Said don't bother. Great, I wasted meat and eggs so that I could eat meatloaf for a week. Oh yea, the ham is still in the fridge from Christmas day. I want to clean out the fridge, but I can't take the rubbish out and he sure as hell can't. I guess I could call and see if my grandson could come over and help me.

My grandson came over today just to bring the "groceries" in the house today. That's what my husband calls groceries, his beer. I don't drink the stuff.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. They are replacing windows on our building this week and I'm sure they will be here at 7:30 AM.

Christmas in 3 days.

Well, he made it through our anniversary.

Today we went to office of apt. complex we live in to "re-certify" our employment status. This office is about 50 steps from our front door. I use a walker so it's hard for me. Especially with workers blocking the sidewalks with power cords and bins of tools in the way.

At least I can get out my front door now. The major reconstruction of the road had been completed. Now when it snows, the plows aren't allowed to get too close to the new asphalt curbing. Of course that means snow piles up so I can't get to the car. Shoveling is not an activity that my husband can do anymore. He has no strength. He can't even walk in the grocery store. Bringing groceries in the house is a trial to say the least.

He can't eat, I cook, he takes maybe a couple of bites and then throws the food out. I have tried to make things easier. He doesn't want soup (I'm not sick, HUH). He won't try milk shakes or smoothies. Ensure is disgusting and anything I suggest or the doctor for that matter, is politely nodded to and completely forgotten.

All he does is drink his 10 beers a night and literally staggers to bed. He's taken to using my walker as he, of course, can't walk with all that alcohol. He won't quit. "It's keeping me alive", he says. I don't totally agree, but I can't say anything. He jumps down my throat. I'm the bad guy here.

I leave only a piece or two of toilet paper on the roll. I use all the paper towels without getting new ones out. It's my fault that he has to do laundry.

I'm so depressed that I can't stand it anymore. Hell, he might live to outlive me. I know it's a sin, but sometimes I wonder. No I'm not suicidal. I just need to talk to someone or write down my thoughts.

He fell the other night and according to him it was my fault. I was no where near him but it was my fault. I've had a bruise on my leg from the last time he fell. I couldn't lift him up and he kept falling. He crawled to the toilet so he could get up. I'm sure I don't know how he's going on.

All I'm doing is waiting for this to end.

I don't want any of my children here. I don't want the friends (yeah, they stopped coming around long ago). If they can't pick up the phone and call, don't bother when it's all overwith.

Will he make it to Dec. 3 our anniversary?

I haven't posted since August and frankly, I didn't think I would.

December 1 has come and gone. Bill's still here, but he's down to 113 lbs. Can't eat anything, he can't open his mouth to put food in. He is weak, has no stamina. Have gone back to the doctors but he can't lie on his back so we don't know if he will be able to do a PET scan again. Saw another ENT on Monday. It was an adventure in driving. We haven't been out at night in so long and we had to drive 35 miles to see the doctor. I'm not doing so well either, but why complain. I just have to write something because if I don't "talk" to something or someone I'll go nuts. Hell, I think I already am. I've called all kinds of people to see if they can advise me about his "eating" but if he won't do what they say where else can I turn. No one knows. I try to talk to our son but he's got his own problems and is looking for a job in state where there aren't any. He's a good son. Tells us to call if we need anything but I can't do that.

I made a comment about him not seeing Dec 3 which is our 44th anniversary and all he could think about was the 3rd day of the month was when our Social Security Checks come in. HOW'S THAT FOR LOVE??? I guess loving him for 44 years has not been good. I'm going now cause the clicking of the keys is driving him crazy. Oh yeah, he want me to write his obit. Great. What I did for my love, wrote his obit. Too sad.

Today is the last of August. He's still here, but not doing so well. Yesterday he complained of back pain. Hell it's not his back, it's his kidneys. He's rapidly loosing this battle now. He's block headded and, no matter what, he's going to be gone soon.

Watched Sen. Ted Kennedy's funeral yesterday. It was historic of course, and sad. Our lives have been lived throughout the history that was the Kennedy era. It ended for Ted and it will end for my Bill in a matter of days.

He can't walk for very long and hates to go to the store because they are so big. I tell him to ride a cart where appropriate, but he says no. Stubborn and doesn't want to appear weak. He is dying and nothing I can say will change that.

On the subject of family. He doesn't want to see anyone. Not his mother, sisters, friends or our children. "Just call to have me creamated. NO funeral." Like we can afford a funeral. I can't even afford to have him creamated. It's hell being on a fixed income when you get nothing but necessary funds.

I may post here again, or not. It's only been to let off steam. If you have read any of this keep your loved ones safe. May you all walk in sunshine.

August is here, he's still here too.

Today we went out to get some groceries and get a check for the rent. It's obvious to me that hubby is getting weaker by the day. He ate a couple of mouthfuls of the skin from Kentucky Fried Chicken on Saturday. Yesterday he had about a half cup of macaroni and cheese that I made from this super recipe on ALLRecipes.com. I enjoyed it and he said today that it was okay but maybe needed something. "What was in it?" he asked. If I told him the truth he would probably have thrown it at me. I made it with cottage cheese (he doesn't "DO" cottage cheese). Also there's sour cream (he doesn't "DO" that either), shredded cheese and parmesean cheese. Bake it in the oven with a bread crumb topping and it was supper creamy and very good. I added kielbasa (after I cooked and peeled the skin off) today with the leftovers cause he like the suggestion but only took a couple of bites cause he couldn't chew today.

I guess there are good days and bad days.

I look in on him every night before I fall asleep and he looks like a skeleton laying there. In the mornings I check to make sure he's still breathing.

I know he is getting weaker every day. He can hardly walk through the grocery store. Doesn't want to do much but watch TV.

When we do go out, I'm afraid when he drives. What if he has a seizure? What if he can't stop?

Maybe we can go out together. Stupid huh?

I've got to go. Clicking isn't doing good for his hearing of the TV.